Father Forgive Me For I Know What I Do

Going forward, I've got to do better.

There is no reason that I'm falling for the same traps I've been falling for for years now. I know what the ditch looks like, I know the paths to take to get there and I do it every single time. Always after the fall, I see what I could have done differently and promise myself to take precautions next time. There's my problem.

First, I shouldn't be preparing for this next time, verbalizing my assurance of the same situation. While yes trials and tests will come, my outlook is defeat. I say defeat because I never follow the directions I give myself. I always fall right back to the bottom. This is my second problem.

I'm fooling myself thinking I can do it alone - thinking I can do anything alone. When it comes to trials, temptations, and tests, I know better than to think I can overcome them by my own power. I have no power of my own but the power that my Father gives me through His Holy Spirit. When I get in these binds, I don't so much forget as much as I push them to the back of my mind, confident that I can do it. Clearly, I can't and I won't try anymore.  I can no nothing without Christ Jesus who strengthens me.

Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2

I'm starting today. Right now.

Oh, Beautiful for Changing Skies

Ring like the church bells strike six for dinner time and twelve for tomorrow. 

Let Freedom Ring.

Let Freedom Sing.

Let Freedom Resound and resound and sound without fading, just because we took a step forward.

She Series

Blankness slated my heart. Made me indifferent to the inflections in his voice that unfailingly make me smile. But this time I just stared past him, his words droning like the bees song.

Should Be Thicker Than But Flows Just Like Water

You'd think it was me being dissed the way I'm feeling. I tweeted about this earlier, but it deserves more elaboration:

You should fight for your friendships. When you feel hurt, say something. If you feel you did wrong, say something. Pride.. #itsnotworthit

Please explain the point and/or justification in ignoring. Silence will not make the situation any better. It will harbor bitterness and lead to a failed friendship. Speak up. It's nothing that can't be fixed.

Let me put it a little more plainly (that was too wordy): you should stop treating the person you call a good friend of yours, kin even, that way. If you have a problem with them you should tell them instead of deleting their number or blocking them or removing them from your friendslists. That will not make them or the problem go away. Instead, try doing the grown up thing and approaching them. 

I promise. They want to hear from you.

Keep your friends close and your brethren closer. 

Hillside

Route 4 to 95. Take the first exit on the right and pass through Castro Valley before getting on 5. 4. 

I just moved to this city and am finding it more difficult to read his handwritten directions on the back of his receipt and driving at dusk than I ever did with a grande caramel macchiato in my left hand, radio on high, and driving at dawn.  That's how you do in Chicago.

We agreed last month that I'd move here with him. I told him I'd only come if he got me that corner lamp I wanted from Ikea. We went while visiting his brother in LA and I pointed to it, "For our house. I'd like it for the bathroom corner." He called two weeks ago and said he bought it - faxed me a copy of it to my job with an attached itinerary for a one way flight.

She Series

The frown of her mouth was natural, yet intentional. Her wide eyes were purposeful. To be more like her, she thought, he will love me then.

Blue Sheets

I cannot wait to put my knee between yours every night, my lips on your right shoulder, hand in hand, your left forearm in the curve of  right my side, your lips on my forehead, hand in hand.

And We're Doing It Again

I'm trying to be a big girl, but the clock just rang 12 times - is ringing number 12.

I tried go get involved with reading, but my mind instead rehearsed what I want to say to you but I can't because I have to be a big girl. I have to be a grown up. I'm tried to copy down notes, but my hand instead wrote lyrics to my favorite song. I'm jumping head first into a release of what I can articulate through thumb, button pushes and track ball send but I won't because I shouldn't have to. 

I'm being a real girl and putting it down on paper in my diary.

Given Where Due

I've recently been finding myself getting upset and jealous over others blessings and opportunities in life. In seeing a post on facebook or twitter or reading a mass text, my immediate reaction was "why would you brag about that, put in our faces what you have and we don't? What we all want?" 

I asked myself a simple follow up question: Am I in a position to be blessed?

What am I doing in the life that allows for blessings? Can God use me right now? Am I being diligent and faithful or commonplace in my Christian walk? Am I blocking my own blessings through disobedience?

No further questions.

I'll Subscribe

I took a quiz: What Kind of Wife Will You Be?

As if I didn't already know..

Loving You are a loving woman. Your value is far above rubies (Proverbs 31). You are always there for those you love and you are extremely loving to your husband. You build him up, you allow him to make mistakes, and grow, and more importantly you let him be a man. You will experience long-lasting love.

Remember Those Walls I Built

Well they're staying.. permanently. 

I've let them down and opened myself only to wish I made it harder for you to penetrate my experiences.

My fears.

My vulnerabilities.

My love.

I let myself down by letting you in, thinking it would be different this time. I should have known better.

It Could All Be So Simple

And when I hear the first measure, I already know I'll close my eyes and rock my head to the slow drum. I'll move my hands in slow motion and sing like I wrote it. I'll roll my back against the leather seat because I'm driving and  I can't do my solo dance - pain medicine.

I reach for the volume and turn it up because this. was. it. This still is it and my memory floats back to the first time I heard the opening chimes and her lyrical "yo." Her riffs and runs were detailed in her crisp, souled alto, but I made sure to learn them. We all did. Ask anyone to sing "this is crazy, oh this is crazy." Her story and message were her own, but I had one like it. We all did. Who hasn't told their ex no one can do it better.  

Do it. Do it has nothing to do with being laid in the bed all sexed up and sweated out. Lauren didn't sing about that.

Can we just love again?